My dad had a tough week last week and last night was a hard night. He’s just got so much indigestion and the pills he takes for it make him so tired. He slept most of the day yesterday. Things have been hard in the house. My dad has changed a lot the last week or so and I’m sure it’s because he feels like crap but it’s really making me long for it to be like it was a few months ago.
He’s so crabby. I don’t blame him… the man has terminal cancer. But even in the beginning he was still “same old dad” and now he’s not. He’s irritable about the weirdest things now. Like my shoes being on the floor even though I’m going out and I need to wear them again. Or the trash can being half full. Things that never bothered him are suddenly causing the end of the world.
He’s also so closed off which is both sad and annoying. Sad because I was hoping we could be his sounding board through this and annoying because there are some things we just need to know. I know he doesn’t want us to baby him and I’m sure there are times where my mom and I come off like we are but really we’re just trying to figure out what we need to do to make things easier for all of us. But no, we get no information and if we ask we get our head chewed off. This hasn’t entirely been a change from the way it used to be but the cancer sure put his secrecy over the edge.
He sleeps so much now. Which, again I totally expected him to but he refuses to take his sleeping pills at all so now his sleep schedule is all screwed up. He’s napping 2 times a day and sometimes he sleeps the whole day through. Then at night he’s up and he hates it. I keep trying to tell him that if he takes the sleeping pills at night he’ll sleep through the night. Then when he wakes up he won’t be so tired throughout the day. But playing off what I just said any time I get the conversation going it shuts down pretty quickly because “he’s fine” and “I don’t need to hover over him.”
People don’t joke when they tell you that everything is going to be different after you or someone you know is diagnosed with cancer. Like of course I knew that things we’re going to change but I was really hoping that we all wouldn’t change as a family. The dynamic is off and that’s the hardest part. I’m trying to spend as much time with my dad but sometimes he doesn’t even feel like my dad anymore. Yes, I know I’m horrible for saying it. Yes, I feel bad about it.
I’m just trying to keep my shit together here. I’m desperately hoping that this is just a bad week and maybe he’ll feel a little less irritable soon. Just crossing my fingers that our trip this week goes well. I think we all need a breather.