I haven’t really had one of those break down emotional nights since New Years Eve. Out of nowhere last night I lost my damn mind.
Last night I went to see 10 Cloverfield Lane with a bunch of my friends. Let’s just get this out of the way now- it was amazing. You should really go see it if you’re into thrillers/psychological/sci-fi films. John Goodman is a real creep in the movie and I think he should get an Oscar for it (I know it’s really early but a girl can dream).
Anyways, after the movie I called an uber and started my trek home. I was texting my boyfriend, thinking about what I had to do for work today, running through my plans for the weekend, and then out of no where it hit me again. My dad is dying of cancer.
So now I’m in the back of the Uber just feeling like straight up garbage. These moments always seem to hit you at the worst time. So I swallowed the lump in my throat, got home, sat on the couch, and started telling my mom about my night. Then she brought out my least favorite sentence in the entire world… “so I googled your dads symptoms tonight.”
My mom, the “doctor”, now tells me that everything that’s been going on with my dad (bloating, swelling, forgetfulness, irritability, sleeplessness) are all signs that he’s probably going into liver failure. These are all things I noticed in the last week. All things I knew weren’t good signs. I’m not ignorant. However when my mom puts labels on these things it destroys me. I know my dad is dying but I prefer to take it day by day and not focus on the bad. My mom tends to focus on the bad. I think it makes her feel better to know what she’s dealing with. It doesn’t make me feel better- it makes me feel worse. Once again I swallow the lump in my throat and go upstairs to take a shower.
I take off my makeup, I step in the shower, I wash my hair, and then I notice it. Not all of my mascara came off and I now have this black crap on my nose. I wipe it off and find that there’s more on my face. I get that too. I rub my eyes and now it’s on my hands. I can’t get all of it off my eyes, it just keeps coming off on my hands, and it’s sticky, and I’m getting frustrated, and now I’m angry… and now I’m sobbing. That’s all it took. Some crappy drug store mascara on my face broke me down.
I went to bed last night feeling empty. I woke up this morning wanting to stay in bed and not get up today. Now I’m at work and I’m distracted.
I think I’m going to make some tea, vent to my coworker, and eat a big lunch today. I had my moment and now it’s time to move on. I’m allowed to break down but I refuse to stay down.
Send me positive vibes today!