cancer is kicking my ass

“Make sure you take care of yourself”

That’s the thing people tell you most.  It’s so true too.  It’s really easy to lose track of yourself when you’re caring for someone else.

But here’s the hard truth. No matter how much you do for yourself and how hard you try to keep your head up you’re going to hit a point where you feel like crap and there’s not much you can do about it.  I am at that point.

I took a look at myself in the mirror last night and just thought “god, what happened?”  All the hard work I put in the last year to lose weight seemed to just go away.  I was taking Kettlebell, Zumba, and Pole Fitness at a local yoga studio and was really making progress.  Then my dad got sick and shortly after that the yoga studio unexpectedly closed.  So the combo of the two just allowed me to give up.  On top of that, the thing people are most likely going to do to help you is send food.  We have received countless meals, treats, cookies, and baked goods the last 3 months.  I am so appreciative and I honestly thought I could control what I was eating.  I didn’t and I can’t.  I’m a stress eater and there’s no more stress in the world than watching a loved one die.  So guess what… I’m eating all the cookies.

I was at a going away party last night and someone took what I was hoping was going to be a cute picture of my boyfriend and I.  He looks good and I look like actual trash.  I couldn’t look more tired if I tried.  Unfortunately I think that’s just how my face is going to look for a while.  I feel exhausted and I get into bed and lie there awake.  I don’t foresee a good night’s sleep in the near future.  See below for a photo of my boyfriend and the walking corpse formally known as Allison.

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“What’s the point of this Allison?”

Yes, sorry sorry.  I was getting there.

It’s not all doom and gloom though, I promise.  I still laugh and I still have fun.  I still feel like I’ve got a good handle on things and I don’t feel like I’m depressed.  I think that even though I might not look my best or feel my best my mind is still sharp.  I’m just saying that after a while all this cancer stuff can really take a toll no matter how on top of it you feel.

You can’t let all of this get you down.  It’s so hard to get overwhelmed in this type of scenario and for a while there I think I was feeling like I had lost control.  So fine, I’m fat and tired right now but I’ll be able to fix that some day soon.  Right now I’m going to eat all the food and lay down as much as I can.  I refuse to feel bad about that.

 

Allison

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cancer is kicking my ass

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