This is going to sound bad. I know it sounds bad. Just let me explain a little.
We’re burying my dad this weekend. Yep, two months later we are finally burying my dad. He was cremated but we wanted to allow people to say a proper goodbye so we had an open casket for his wake and funeral. He died on a Sunday and before he died he made us promise to wait until a weekend for the wake and the funeral so no one would have to take time off work. So, right off the bat there were a lot of factors preventing us from actually burying him the day of his funeral.
So, ok. Two days after the funeral our funeral director came over with my dad’s remains and my mom and I sat down and tried to nail down a date that would work for our immediate family and it turned out to be a lot harder than we thought. This is the part that sounds bad- we have just been really busy. We couldn’t seem to find a day that would work for us, my aunt, and my uncle who lives in Wisconsin for April. That was actually ok since I think all our heads were spinning anyways. Plus the walk was going to be the 30th so we knew that date wasn’t going to work. I was out of town the next weekend, then my mom went on her Boston trip (which was supposed to be my dad’s next “milestone”) the following week. Then my boyfriend had 2 bachelor parties in a row which my mother forbade him from missing. Then Zack and I had two weddings. So, here we are on June 11th interring my dad. I feel horrible trying to explain to people that we were just really busy and couldn’t find a date that worked for everyone. It’s not like we were putting it off or anything it’s just that every time one of us said we could move something in order to do it we all agreed that my dad would be so pissed if we started cancelling stuff.
Anyways, it’s happening this weekend and that’s just how it is. I feel pretty ok about it. It’s not like this is another funeral or anything. It’s mostly going to be a 15 minute prayer service by the grave and then whoever wants to will go out to lunch with us. The only thing that bugs me is that his name will be there on the grave… I feel like I can do without seeing that but what can you do I guess.
I never really grew up as a “cemetery person.” We never went to the cemetery to visit anyone when I was growing up. Both of my parents had the belief that when you go to the cemetery that person isn’t there. I agreed too. I don’t need to drive out to the cemetery to feel close to my dad- I feel close to him in our house, when I watch a certain movie, or when I do something to make him proud. Don’t get me wrong I am not bashing anyone that makes regular trips to the cemetery to visit loved ones. I think that everyone is allowed to grieve whatever way they like to. I’m just saying it’s not for me.
So am I nervous about this weekend? Not really. Am I uncertain about this weekend? Yeah. I think my emotional stability is still a little off so who knows how I’m going to react. I’d like to think that at least for this I can be really strong. I just have to keep reminding myself that he’s not really there. We may be leaving his actual remains but we’re not really leaving him there.