To be completely and totally honest I wasn’t ok for a while there. To most people I probably seemed fine and I wasn’t acting weird or anything but internally I was just sad and angry all the time. I know that I should have let some of this out to my friends and my family but recently I’ve been feeling this new sense of guilt so I internalized a lot of what I was feeling.
Guilt has been the weirdest feeling in all of this. It’s certainly an emotion I wasn’t expecting to feel in the grief process but it’s been the hardest one to deal with thus far. I don’t have guilt about not being able to do more for my dad or not spending more time with him. I have guilt because I think I’m grieving too much. Yep, you read that right and yep, I realize a lot of you reading this are probably mad at me right now for “being silly” but this is something that feels so real to me and it’s been bogging me down for about a month now.
My dad only died 4 months ago and sometimes it’s hard to remind myself of that. Some days it feels like it’s been longer and some days it feels like it just happened. I’m starting to feel though that people are thinking I should be over this by now and that it’s not ok to cry anymore. So that’s what I’ve done… I just stopped crying. I started being “strong” for myself and my friends and my family but really I was just pushing everything I was feeling off to the side because I was worried that people would think I’m being dramatic. After my meltdown at my friend’s wedding in June I told myself that was the last time I’d do that and it really was.
Then things started happening at work and they were making hard days even harder and instead of crying and letting it all out I got mad. I’d sit there and stew instead of reaching out and telling people I was having a hard time. I started sleeping less, snapping at people more, and I started to feel sick just because I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone with my “drama.” Even though I had all these amazing things going on in my life (my boyfriend recently moved back to Illinois, I had bought a new car, and I had two vacations coming up) I couldn’t shake the the feelings of guilt and anger. Then I snapped.
I got into such a stupid fight with my mom and I lost my mind. When it was over I was genuinely scared. I screamed and I shook and I followed her around the house like a lunatic and then I cried. I sobbed and begged for forgiveness and I felt so embarrassed that my plan to be strong totally backfired and made me more vulnerable than ever. That night I decided I had to make a change again. It was time to cry.
So, we’re starting over. I can be strong and cry at the same time and I know now that I need to rely on the people that have been there for me since the beginning. They aren’t going to get mad at me or think I’m being dramatic and although that’s apparently a hard concept for me to grasp I’m going to have to try. Otherwise I’ll make myself sick again and I’m really not in the mood for that.
Sorry I’ve been MIA for a bit… it’s been a hard month. But in good news I’ll be off to Vegas tomorrow morning for a long weekend. Counting down the hours until I see Ms. Britney Spears in the flesh.