It’s only September and I’m already feeling the pressure for the upcoming holidays. I know I’m doing it to myself but how can I not knowing my dad won’t be around for so many things coming up?
My dad’s favorite holiday is Halloween. His birthday is November 2nd. We have a PurpleStride fundraiser I’m running on November 6th. Thanksgiving is November 24th. Then here comes Christmas (my favorite holiday) and New Years. Not to mention 12/20… which was the day we found out my dad had pancreatic cancer. Of course, I promised my mom that I wouldn’t let that day ruin my favorite holiday but I’m sure it will be a hard thing to ignore. Luckily one of my best friend’s birthday is also 12/20 so I’m going to do my best to remember it as her birthday (like always) and not d-day.
With everything happening so close to the holidays each of these days seems to have a little black mark on it now. Thanksgiving was rough because my uncle had just died, Christmas was crappy because we had just found out my dad had cancer, and New Years was a mess because the doctors told my dad he had less than a year to live that day. Thinking about all this has just sent me into panic mode. I found myself this week ferociously scanning through Pinterest looking for anything and everything fall or Christmas. I somehow got it in my head that if I plan fun activities to do almost every day I won’t have time to think about everything going on!
In a lot of ways it’s a pretty decent idea. In a lot of ways I went overboard. Yes, I should keep busy and have fun and try new things because some of the upcoming days are going to be incredibly tough to get through without Papa Z being there. On the other hand I think I created a monster. That one day of worrying has caused me to go completely nuts with planning because I’m so afraid to be alone in my own head. I psyched myself out I think. Worrying about how I’m going to feel on these days has just given me a lot of anxiety. I need to let go and do my best to just roll with it because no matter how much I plan there are still going to be “those days.”
I’m sure as things pop up I’ll elaborate a little bit more on this. I know for sure I’ll eventually write about Christmas because Christmas has always been special to me. Right now I’m going to focus on slowing down and not worrying about the things that haven’t even happened yet. This is my favorite time of year so I should probably focus more on enjoying it then whether or not I’m going to dread it.