Get it? March Madness? March Sadness? Sorry trying to lighten the mood before I talk about the hole I’ve found myself in.
March sucks. Well… after 3/5 March started to suck. I was on vacation from 3/1-3/5 so obviously that was great but then I got home and things just started to really get me down.
My birthday is 3/7… I guess I could say “but I’m only 26 now” but that seems like a lot of effort to keep changing the title. I was worried about my birthday this year because last year’s was pretty awful. My dad was really agitated on my birthday so he was being kind of mean about celebrating it because we had just gotten back from vacation and “that was my present”. Not to mention he really started to show his decline that week so enjoying a birthday is kind of hard when you’re watching your dad die. Those feelings all kind of came back for this year’s birthday even though I tried really hard to plan things to distract myself. The trip to Florida was an excellent distraction so that worked. My birthday party was a good one too but it was held after my actual birthday so even that didn’t feel very celebratory. My actual birthday Zack and my mom took me out for a steak dinner and the neighbors, as per tradition, came over for cake after. It was a really lovely night but it didn’t take me long to notice someone was missing.
Let’s pile on another thing. I hate my new job. I haven’t written about it because it’s not worth writing about but the stress of coming here every day and just not liking what I do is really piling on. I’m actively searching for something else but it took me so long to find this job I’m worried about how long it will take me to find another. I remember getting it and thinking that everyone would be so proud- even my dad. Now I’m just embarrassed and frustrated and it’s not helping the situation here.
March Madness started yesterday and although that shouldn’t really bring a person down it’s kind of doing that to me. My dad was a March Madness fanatic. He would set up shop in our basement the day it started with a notebook in front of him filled with every game, every prediction, and every game/channel. He was pretty sick when it started last year but he still laid in bed and watched as many games as he could. I tried to stay on top of it too because I knew he was falling asleep during a lot of them so I tried to keep tabs on the score for him so I could tell him when he woke up. The house feels empty right now. I caught up on episodes of the Walking Dead last night instead of watching the games and I’m kicking myself. I don’t even like basketball but I’m feeling this weird responsibility to watch it this year.
Finally, as some of you know, the first anniversary of my dad’s death is coming up on 3/27. I don’t anticipate that I’ll struggle much with the day itself but I think I’ll struggle with the idea that on 3/28 it will be the start of a year with no new memories. My mom and I will have been a duo for a year, now it will be “he passed a year ago” instead of “he just passed in March of this year”, I don’t have any new pictures of him, I won’t have had any conversations with him in the past year, I’ll have nothing recent.
I won’t get into that much more right now…I’m sure it’s going to be an ongoing problem for me.
I hope my March gets better seeing as we’re only about half way through. Otherwise… April you better rock my world.